The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen in My Life
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Having grown up in the 80s, and being a big fan of the TV Series/Half Hour Toy Line Infomercial that inspired this movie I approached it both with eager excitement and lots of caution, since I consider Michael Bay one of the worst filmmakers in history. I wasn't disappointed: this is the worst film I have ever seen in a film theater during my entire 37 years on this earthly realm. To say that I hated every single frame of this 149 minute debacle with all my heart, soul and body is an enormous understatement: this is the film that killed a Sci-Fi loving metalhead's faith on Hollywood blockbusters forever.
Now, I could write pages upon pages about why I hate this movie so much, but for brevity's sake I'll just settle on my Top Ten Reasons:
1)For a movie that's supposedly about giant transforming robots fighting each other there's a real shortage of moments in which said giant transforming robots fight each other.
2)On the rare moments in which said giant transforming robots do fight each other, it looks like giant piles of scrap metal crashing into each other and it's almost impossible to tell what's happening thanks to the jump editing, shoddy camera work and CGI overload.
3)The giant transforming robots in their robot form look really ugly, soulless and unsympathetic. The design of the original robots from the TV Series/Half Hour Toy Line Infomercial might have been simplified and blocky, but it surely got the job done and didn't manage to make them look like a garish Rube Goldberg nightmare.
4)The Autobot's vehicle forms are all GMC models. Look, I work in Advertising and don't mind product placement in fiction when it's tastefully done, but this is just going too far.
5)This film is obscenely loud. Having listened to heavy metal for more than 25 years now I'm not a slouch when it comes to loudness, but the levels of this movie made me feel physically uncomfortable on the theater.
6)The script is crap. Instead of focusing on the Autobots versus Decepticons struggle, the script has a nerdy boy meets beautiful yet tough girl main plot and a bunch of stupid subplots that go nowhere.
7)Said script features the biggest holes and internal inconsistencies I can remember on any major blockbuster.
8)The comic relief is groan inducing at best and utterly retarded at worst. Seriously, peeing robots?
9)The sexy cryptography expert character is even stupider than the physics student/fashion model character in Spiderman III. No wonder they were played by the same actress.
10)I have no problem with the fact that Megan Fox can't act and her role in this movie is just being a piece of eye candy. What I really can't stand are all those endless cleavage and fully clothed ass shots. If you're going to treat a girl like a piece of sexy meat, at least have the decency to show her naked once in a while and stop teasing so much. The last time a cleavage shot interested me was when I was a teenager, and even back then, films managed to sneak some decent nudity in blockbusters, all this PG-13 naughtiness is not even remotely sexy, just childish and annoying.
So, in closing, if you enjoy this movie, I pity you since this means you're hopelessly stupid, have neither taste nor capacity to enjoy movies or any artistic experience whatsoever and it's possible you were born without a soul, just like Michael Bay.
